Father and Son Relationships

Last Saturday, 23 February 2008, we hosted 19 pairs of Southridge Grade 7 fathers and sons in Forest Club (www.theforestclub.com) for a whole day of outdoor activities.

For three years now, we have been offering unique outdoor games in Forest Club to both schools and companies as an alternative to the usual field trips and team building exercises. Last Saturday was the first time we used the activities for a father son bonding session.

I made sure that I would be around for the activity. Not only because the organizer is a friend from college but more so because I wanted to observe how the fathers would relate to their sons while going through the fun yet challenging games.

And I was not disappointed. I definitely learned a lot. Just by observing, I picked up several insights that certainly would be helpful in my own relationship with my two year old son Gabi.

Many of my observations echo an article posted by Anthony Willis in www.ezinearticles.com.

Willis identifies three secrets to insuring success in a father and son relationship:

Encourage your sons to be problem solvers
This is especially critical if your son is still young, teach him how to solve problems. It's better that he's in the habit of quick thinking when it comes to problems, because otherwise those problems lands on your doorstep oneway or another. If he's still young, say about 4 to 11 years, you instill the problem solving habits thru little games or situations that you come with while the two of you are playing together. This will be "fun" to him and he may not even realize what you are doing at the time, all he know is that he's "having fun with daddy," which is a good thing for your relationship. Later on this will help in becoming a man, and being a father like you!

Allow your sons to make mistakes, not errors
The difference between a mistake and an error is that a mistake is usually made when a person has a lack of knowledge and an unwanted result occurs. An error is made when a person "knows" the good and bad options of their choice and they choose the bad option and get the bad results.

Don't try to relive your youth thoroughly through your son
This is a mistake that some fathers make, especially in the sports world. Don't get me wrong, every man should want his son to be successful, but "your tunnel vision" on "his success" can drive a wedge between you two. The father oftimes are so consumed with the "potential" dollars of his son making it to the "big leagues" or "the pros", that he forgets that his son is a child and just want to have fun. The same goes for parents who push their children academically, but with such rigidity that the poor child, can't handle even the slightest imperfection and feels destroyed. The sports child feels like the fatherloves the game/money (potential) more than his own son! Is that the case for you? How do you handle it?

You handle it properly by letting them be children and live a little. Give them some freedom, because if you have been training them since they were young, they are probably going to do the things you were encouraging them to do anyway. However, the children need room to find themselves also. No one wants be in a career that they hate, or better yet they did it because of you solely! They'll hardly enjoy it, and quit it all together to pursue their inner passions. Find out what their inner passions are early in their lives and incorporate some "rock solid principles" for them to apply in their lives, so that they will be successful in whatever your sons choose to do!

In conclusion, ENJOY the rest of the teaching process, it is or should be every father's dream and life goal for son(s) to go farther than he did. Remember how far they go is a testament to the FATHER SON RELATIONSHIP that you are establishing now! By you teaching them this way, they will in turn teach their sons the same way and because of YOU, your family will have continual growth!!! Build your Father Son Relationship TODAY!

Praying with Jun Lozada

I admire Jun Lozada not only for his courage and honesty but more so for being a prayerful soul. He is to be emulated for his rectitude of intention and his supernatural outlook.

In the Truth and Accountability Mass held yesterday at the Church of Gesu in the Ateneo Loyola campus, Jun Lozada came straight from the Senate hearing to be with Cory Aquino, Bishops Bacani and Yniguez, Jesuit priests, La Salle brothers, nuns from several congregations and a church full of ordinary laymen who all came to pray for him and the truth.

I did this not to get public adulation but to save my soul.

I am not a saint. I too am a sinner. I continue to struggle, my life is a struggle to become a good Christian.

Jun Lozada reminds all of us of our purpose here on earth, something we all learned by rote in our grade school catechism classes.

Life indeed is a struggle. It is a struggle that we must all go through. It is the Cross that we must all help to carry, lovingly and without calling attention to ourselves.

Appropriately, yesterday's Gospel was the Sermon on the Plain (Luke 6:1-42).

Again it is a reminder to all of us who may be angry and even harbor hatred towards people in government to be calm and to pray and to sacrifice. Especially in this season of Lent.

"Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."

It is right for us to be outraged. It is right for us to seek the truth and demand justice. But let us not let anger and hatred overcome us. We might just end up as bad as those we accuse of lying and being unjust.

It is hard, I admit. But as Jun Lozada himself says, life indeed is a struggle. Truth and justice begins with each one of us. In the ordinary circumstances of our life.

While we protest the brazen lies, the corruption and the injustice in government, let's make sure that we at least try to live truth, honesty and justice in our own ordinary lives.

Let's pay our taxes. Let's obey traffic rules. Let's not make "lagay." Let's not use fixers. Let's treat our household helpers with respect. (Yikes! Mea culpa! :( )

Like Jun Lozada, let's all try to be the "change we want to see." Let's all be the little sparks of change in our own lives.

I shiver in my shingles

Not only because I've been forced to stay away from Patty and Gabi. Not only because of the excruciating physical pain that comes with the shingles. But also because of the unbelievable cost of medication! Now that's truly painful.

As it is, I already spend close to P10,000 a month for my diabetes maintenance. This includes my insulin, oral medication (glucophage, minidiab, januvia, lipitor, etc.) as well as the necessary paraphernalia (gluco-meter strips and needles, insulin injection pen and needles, etc.).

For the shingles, I was given a prescription for Valtrex (Valaciclovir), 500 mg. I was told to take 2 tablets 3 times a day for 7 days or a total of 42 tablets. I sent the driver to Mercury Drug with P3,000 and my Suki card to buy the anti-viral medicine and one banig of Ponstan to manage the pain.

To my horror he came back 30 minutes later with just 17 Valtrex tablets. Each tablet was P171! He didn't even have enough to buy me one Ponstan 500mg tablet! And I was now in excruciating agony!

I took my last pair of Valtrex last night. My wallet can now breathe.

In all, I spent P7,182 in Valtrex alone. That's more than P1,000 a day for 7 days.

Now I feel sick.

And sad.

Whatever happened to the Cheaper Medicine Bill?! It's still pending with the bi-conference committee. It was not passed in the last Congress and by the way things look, it might not even be passed in this Congress.

What in heaven's name is our Congress doing to help the people who foolishly voted them into power?

Is the House of Representatives too busy inserting individual pork projects into the 2008 budget and ousting speakers who refuse to be puppets? Is the Senate too busy interrogating and humiliating common folk heroes like Jun Lozada?


I am better off than most. I have an insurance policy that takes care of even my medicine bills. But still. I pay my taxes. I fulfill my duties as a citizen. And yet I don't seem to get anything in return.

It is this system of government, this culture of unabated corruption and "moderated" greed that truly makes me and many others sick.

How to make the perfect cup of coffee

With a little help from Kenneth Davids, author of Coffee: A Guide to Buying, Brewing and Enjoying (5th Edition, St. Martin Griffin's, New York, 2001)

It all starts with the coffee itself.

The first quick rule to making the perfect cup is to make sure your supply is fresh. Green coffee, as in those straight from the crop, stay fresh for years. Roasted whole coffee beans keep fairly well. But once you remove them from their vacuum-sealed pack, they begin to lose flavor after a week. Ground coffee begins to lose flavor an hour after grinding, and ground coffee, in minutes.

Step 1: Grind the roasted whole bean coffee

"Grinding coffee fresh is the single best thing that you can do to improve the quality of your coffee." (Kenneth Davids)

Papa buys two small packs of coffee beans from Starbucks every week. He sticks to the medium varieties but always has a bold option for his single shot espresso fixes. Sometimes, for his morning ritual, he combines the coffee beans into his grinder: 3/4 medium and 1/4 bold.

Grinding is the part I dislike the most because I don't like the loud sound the grinder makes. Papa also doesn't allow me to touch the grinder. Too dangerous, he says.

Since he uses the French press for his morning coffee, Papa grinds his coffee to a medium grind, meaning about 8-10 presses of no more than two seconds per press.

French press and conventional (nonfilter) drip require a medium to coarse grind. (Kenneth Davids)

Step 2: Add hot water

Brew with hot water, as opposed to lukewarm or boiling water. A temperature of 200 degrees F is ideal, which means bringing the water to a boil and then waiting a minute or two before brewing. (Kenneth Davids)

Papa insists on using bottled water for his coffee. Water he says, is essential since any cup of coffee is basically 99% water.

If you use bad, really bad, water, you might just as well throw away this book and buy a jar of instant! (Kenneth Davids)

Step 3: Take the plunge!

This is the part I love the most! I like the sound of the air wushing out. Although at times I get impatient because Papa insists that I wait for at least 55 seconds "to allow the coffee to breathe" in the hot water. And he also wants we to press slowly and deliberately.

It's a sacred ritual for Papa. A one-play act that re-stages itself every morning. And I must play my part, consistently and always with the same passion.

The plunger pot is an enthusiast's brewer. It appeals to those who like to dramatize their coffee making. With the plunger brewer, coffee is not an after-dinner option that emerges routinely from the kitchen. It is the product of a small but satisfying ceremonial event that unfolds at the table. (Kenneth Davids)

Need I say more. :) Bravo, papa! Encore!

In solitary confinement ...

I am. For at least the next seven days. Probably more.

I am now under room arrest. I've taken over Gabi's 3rd floor loft where I've temporarily set up shop. My computer and printer were brought in from the office together with that large plastic container of "urgent" work files.

Now I am beginning to understand the loneliness Erap went through while under house arrest in his palatial Tanay vacation house. It's not the lack of earthly goods that makes one lonely. Though I don't have Erap's swan pond and giant flat screen TVs, I do have the essentials: Wifi, my coffee press and accessories and my iTunes.

But being separated from Patty and Gabi, who are now confined to the 1st and 2nd floors. That is what really stabs at the heart.

I have the Shingles. Otherwise known as Herpes Zoster. Some form of adult chickenpox.

The rashes are all over my left back and extends to my left armpit and part of my left chest. (Pati ba naman sa sakit, e puro left side?)

To allay the fears of those I've gotten in touch with the past few days and to remove the naughty smiles and thoughts I'm sure some of you are now entertaining, here's a medical description of what I have. Straight from www.medicinenet.com:

What is shingles? What causes shingles?

Shingles is a skin rash caused by the same virus that causes chickenpox. The virus responsible for these conditions is called Varicella zoster. After an individual has chickenpox, this virus lives in the nerves and is never fully cleared from the body. Under certain circumstances, such as emotional stress, immune deficiency (from AIDS or chemotherapy) or with cancer, the virus re-activates causing shingles. In most cases, however, a cause for the reactivation of the virus is never found. The herpes virus that causes shingles and chicken pox is not the same as the herpes virus that causes genital herpes (which can be sexually transmitted) and herpes mouth sores. Shingles is medically termed Herpes zoster.

What are symptoms of shingles? How long does shingles last?

Before a rash is visible, the patient may notice several days to a week of burning pain and sensitive skin. Shingles start as small blisters on a red base, with new blisters continuing to form for three to five days. The blisters follow the path of individual nerves that comes out of the spinal cord (called dermatomal pattern). The entire path of the nerve may be involved or there may be areas with blisters and areas without blisters. Generally, only one nerve level is involved. In a rare case, more than one nerve will be involved. Eventually, the blisters pop and the area starts to ooze. The area will then crust over and heal. The whole process may take three to four weeks from start to finish. On occasion, the pain will be present but the blisters may never appear. This can be a very confusing cause of local pain!

Are shingles contagious?

Yes, shingles is contagious. Shingles can be spread from an affected person to children or adults who have not had chickenpox. Instead of developing shingles, these people develop chickenpox. Once they have had chickenpox, people cannot catch shingles (or contract the virus) from someone else. Once infected, however, people have the potential to develop shingles later in life.

Shingles is contagious to people that have not previously had chicken pox, as long as there are new blisters forming and old blisters healing. Once all of the blisters are crusted over, the virus can no longer be spread.

The Fetish for Grades (by Ricardo G. Abad)

I once surprised my sociology class with this question: “How many of you,” I asked, “will stop coming to this class if I assure you, right now, a passing grade of D for the course?” Four people raised their hands. I raised the ante: “What if I assure you a grade of B?” Half the class raised their hands. “What then if I give you a grade of B+ or A?” All but two of my 47 sophomores, among the best of their batch, raised their hands. “So,” I said, “it’s the grade that matters, doesn’t it, not the learning you’ll get in this course?” And this applies to you and many students too, no? Silence filled the room. A few bowed their heads in shameful supplication. Supplication to whom, I wondered: the god of grades?

This fixation for grades – ratings, points, or any number used to measure school success -- has long been seen to undermine education. These numbers box learning and overlook dimensions of success that are difficult to quantify, among them the creativity and enthusiasm of students. Yet the practice persists, and with little protest. Who’s to blame? The students? Not really. The fault, I think, lies less on the students but in a system that has grown too dependent on numbers.

The academic lives of students have been ruled for years by all sorts of numbers. Students qualified for admission on the basis of test scores that become the basis for sifting them into sections, tracks or programs. They enroll for subjects that meet a set number of units – this many hours for science, for example, and that many for the humanities. They also take a fixed number of units per semester.

Students also talk with guidance counselors who enlighten them on personality traits or career options based on another set of scores, displayed sometimes in nifty-looking graphs.

Students are then evaluated through a point system that demarcates what’s passing or failing, excellent or mediocre. They quickly learn that academic survival depends on reaching a certain number of points. The high pointers win praise, while the numerically challenged suffer various degrees of social stigma. And since no one wants to be branded as a scholastic idiot, students carefully track the number of cuts they have, and spend hours calculating their imagined final grades. The school system, they also discover, doesn’t round off decimals that may spell the difference between passing and failing – this arithmetical procedure would compromise academic standards. Knowing this, students figure out that survival in school is a game of millimeters where every damn point counts.

School bureaucracies need units, points, quotas, and ratings to operate efficiently. These numbers plot profiles, tally trends, facilitate forecasts, and balance budgets. They even help set norms for equity and fairness in academic practice. A grading system also links schools to outside worlds -- companies, foundations, families, and other schools -- that interpret report cards and transcripts as indicators of human worth.

But grades and cuts also act as instruments of conformity and control. They force students to attend courses that mean little to them. They warn students to tow the line. They also mold the academic identity of students, roughly classifying them as good, average or bad. Good students enter honors programs. Average students stay in regular programs. Bad students are banished into exile. Theirs is not the kingdom of heavenly summas.

Numerical ratings have their uses. But these ratings can kill learning when the quest for a good grade becomes a fetish, the primary measure of academic success. This fetish makes students play it safe: why question the teacher at the risk of failure or a low grade? The fetish also limits class performance: why bother working hard when less work results in a good grade? Why join discussions if class participation comprises a small percentage of the final mark? Or, why don’t I say what the teacher wants to hear so I can get a high grade? The fetish also dissuades active involvement in co-curricular activities and invites cheating. Why spend lots of time in a student club when it will lower the chances of getting a high grade? Why not copy answers to deal with the pressure of grades?

I stand in front of my class, looking at students who have started to acquire the fetish for grades. Will they learn sociology? I can’t say. Some will and some won’t. Like the love that may come after marriage, it’s a learning that may come after enrollment. Much will depend on the teacher to make the class enjoyable and enriching.

But aye, there’s the rub! For in a system addicted to a fetish for numbers, the burden of learning falls into the weary laps of teachers. Instructors must now master two kinds of knowledge, an academic discipline and a student-centered pedagogy. But the mastery of these two kinds of knowledge will bring success if the school (and the society that breeds the schools) continually worships numbers. Only when the system --and the students-- detach themselves a bit more from the fetish of numbers will teachers be able to heighten creativity and intellectual independence in the classroom.

Students complain that many of their classes are boring. Many don’t even remember the names of former teachers. Students have become comfortable sitting in “silent classrooms” where only the teacher’s voice or the sound of a film or video is heard. They can’t wait for the bell to ring. They are a “hostile class” - a bunch of students who are there because they have to, initially indifferent to the subject, and desirous to get a high grade with the minimum possible work.

The situation will stay for sometime. The system must change, but I cannot wait for change to happen before I can act in the here and now. Maybe it’s not too late. I’ll have students enjoy sociology. I’ll treat them to a feast of insights. I’ll open their minds and hearts. Perhaps some will care more for learning than the grade. Perhaps a few will take another sociology course. Who knows? At this moment, I’ll simply make their brief encounter with me as luscious and exotic as, well, a guava in Ethiopia.

Dear Ricky,

I was in that SA 21 class you mention in your 2004 article. In 1985, it was.

But then again you probably made that dare more than once.

I was one of those who bowed my head in shameful supplication.

Alas, this fetish for grades extends outside the classroom and into professional life. Sad that many remain obsessed with titles and certificates of recognition.

I enjoyed your class. I enjoyed your mentoring in TA. And although I never graduated (I still cringe when I recall your rushing to the dressing room when you heard of my series of Incomplete Grades. I disappointed you, I must admit), I am proud to shout to the world that of the many things I did learn in school, many of nuggets of wisdom I continue to hold dear to this day, I learned from you.

You indeed are worthy of top teacher's honors. And belated as it may seem, I just want to thank you not just for teaching me introductory SA or college theater acting, but more so for imparting in me and the hundreds of wannabe actors and actresses who made TA their home throughout the years, that passion for life that is so well… Ricky Abad.

Thank you, Ricks! I miss you.

Happy birthday, Gel!

Thanks, Michelle! Thanks for sharing your Facebook note with all of us. Galing mo. You beat all of us to the punch.

Happy birthday, Gel! Thank you for still being there, after more than two decades. Still fixing things for me, like the first time 21 years ago when you came to the rescue -- okay, okay, we kidnapped you! -- of two clueless lads named Robbi and Bert and made their car work again.

We watched you tinker with the car --- was it the Mercado avocado green wagon? --- and dirty yourself while we watched. You made it run, which was more than what we hoped for, and we left you with a hasty thank you.

Only the following day did we realize it was your birthday! Oh man, how embarrassing.

And how touching.

We used you. We abused you. On your birthday too. And nary a complaint from TA's resident fix it man. A man we all christened Gelzon McGyver. A man who started the fatigue workman look that Ria eventually got "tired" of. (Thanks, Ria. We could never muster the courage to tell Gel that rebellious green was no longer the fashion.) A man who continues to be of Good Housekeeping-grade service, not just to friends who continue to abuse him, but more so to Ria, Isabel and Miguela and the extended family he has learned to love.

Thank you, Gel, for extending McGyver's run way beyond Season 24 . Thank you for being nerdier than me. (Believe me, it's a relief to know that I am somewhat normal).

And thank you for being Gabi's nonong and Patty's friend. You're a great friend, the best anyone could ever hope for. And what I will never forget is that when I was at my lowest, you and Bert were there. Always. And forever.

Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up always reminds me of the two of you. (Okay, not when I sing it. And don't you dare try to sing it! Si Bert pa, I'm sure can do justice to the song. Pakingan na lang natin si Bert.)

Happy 41st, my friend!

And dude... sira nanaman yung Montero. Baka naman ...